So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
