How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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