Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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