I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
