I wish I could teleport
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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