Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
