In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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