i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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