Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She said her name was "party"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
