apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
