I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm at about main and main street
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
