the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
