take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
