Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
