saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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