It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
