You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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