instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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