i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
