I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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