Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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