Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
