i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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