theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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