Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
