you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.