Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
