mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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