we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
cat food counts as protein by the way
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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