i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
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I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
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My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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