Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
