Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
