I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
