How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
