I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
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Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
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Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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