when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
