You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
