my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
