Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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