well I can't set my house on fire every night
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
