Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
