that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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