Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
They have beer where we have blood.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
