it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
