He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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