It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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