well you can't waste a boner
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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