your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
