In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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