I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
