Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
