My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
