you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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